Thirty Counsels to Make Your Wife Happy
by w3ad5 Thirty Counsels to Make Your Wife Happy
There is no doubt that responsibility for marital happiness rests on both spouses. Love must exist between them—not the rash surge that flares and fades, but a noble, steady harmony of spirit and feeling. Marital happiness is like a honeycomb built by two bees; the more effort invested, the sweeter the taste.
Many ask how to create happiness at home and why they fail to secure family harmony and stability. Surely both spouses share responsibility. Love is essential, but it must be followed by mutual forgiveness. Forgiveness grows from good opinion and trust, and cooperation is a principal factor—moral and material. Much discord springs from failing to appreciate a partner’s burdens or to grant their rights.
Chastity is a pillar of a dignified life and the root of goodness. A sociologist once wrote: “The best motto for avoiding marital strife is that no fire resists a cup of water when it first ignites—most divorces trace back to trivialities that snowball until they seem irreparable.”
Parents bear responsibility for a happy home. Harsh tongues and quick tempers destroy families, as do love of control or lack of sincerity. Small things in form, great in meaning, can shake a house.
Thirty Practical Counsels
- Do not insult your wife. Any insult lingers in her heart. Worst are blows, curses, defaming her parents, or accusing her honor—even if your tongue “forgives,” her heart may not.
- Treat her well and she will treat you well. Show you prefer her over yourself, care for her happiness and health, and are ready to sacrifice for her when she is ill—within your means.
- Talk with her. She loves to sit and hear what is on your mind. Do not return home frowning and silent; that provokes worry and suspicion.
- Do not impose your niche interests. If you are an astronomy professor, do not expect her to share your obsession with stars and orbits.
- Be upright; she will be too. “Be chaste and your women will be chaste” (reported by al-Tabarani). Guard your eyes—in the street or on screens. Many marital problems began with TV and the like.
- Never provoke jealousy. Do not hint you will marry another or praise other women. Such stabs trigger waves of doubts and even psychosomatic symptoms.
- Do not remind her of past faults, nor shame her before others.
- Revise your own behavior. Change what annoys her, even if “it’s just joking.” Growth is not a one-way street.
- Adopt her good traits. Many men deepened their religious commitment after witnessing their wives’ steadfast values and refined conduct.
- Keep calm; avoid anger. Anger breeds enmity. If you err, apologize. Do not sleep angry while she weeps. Most triggers are trivial compared to your bond. Seek refuge in Allah from Satan and let the moment pass.
- Build her confidence. Do not reduce her to a satellite in your orbit. Encourage her to have opinions and decisions. Consult her and accept her view when it is right—tell her you did. If you differ, steer gently.
- Praise her when due. “Who does not thank people has not thanked Allah” (Tirmidhi).
- Stop the jabs and comparisons. Do not compare her to relatives you admire and demand she copy them.
- Enable her growth. If she seeks study, facilitate it so long as it does not breach faith or neglect duties. Celebrate her progress.
- Listen attentively. It eases bottled stress. Avoid provoking or calling her a liar. If she dwells on criticizing your family, handle it with wisdom and gentle counsel.
- Make her feel safe. Assure her you will not abandon or divorce her on a whim.
- Provide financially. Even if she is wealthy, she needs to feel your provision. Do not covet her inheritance, and do not withhold because she is affluent.
- Avoid illicit social ties. Many homes collapse because of them.
- Balance loves. Harmonize love for wife with love for parents and kin. Give each their right with fairness.
- Be for her what you want her to be for you. Ibn ‘Abbas said: “I like to adorn myself for my wife as I like her to adorn herself for me.”
- Offer wholesome recreation. Take her out at times, especially before children come to absorb her time.
- Share emotions. Visit her family and keep warm, respectful relations with them.
- Do not let work make her jealous. Do not let it devour all your time—especially on weekends.
- When leaving, bid her farewell with a smile and ask for du‘ā’. When arriving, do not surprise her; allow her to be ready—especially after travel.
- See life through one lens. The Prophet ﷺ said, “Be gentle with glass vessels (women),” and “Women are the counterparts of men” (Ahmad), and “Treat women well.”
- Help with chores. ‘Ā’ishah (RA) said the Prophet ﷺ “was in the service of his family; when prayer came, he went to it.”
- Overlook some flaws. Remember her many virtues. The Prophet ﷺ said: “A believer should not hate a believing woman; if he dislikes one trait, he is pleased with another” (Muslim).
- Be playful and tender. He ﷺ said: “Why not a virgin to play with you and you with her?” ‘Umar (RA) said: “At home a man should be like a boy (affable); among men, a man.”
- Accept critique. The wives of the Prophet ﷺ would discuss matters with him; he did not flare up at them.
- Excel to your family. He ﷺ said: “The best of you are the best to their families.” Spend with kindness; “The best dinar is that which you spend on your family.”
Do not be stingy with your wife, yourself, or your children. Spend in what is right; your spending on family is charity.
